A Bigger Love

I am taking my time

When I cannot find the will to move

I surrender

I allow myself to be where I am

And I love myself

When I cannot find the will

To do the things I desire to do

I give myself what I need first

Love 

Distraction

Understanding

And then

If I need to

I purge

I allow the words to flow out of my brain

Out of my body

And onto the page

Where I release them

And as I release them

I feel better

The weight begins to lighten

And I can feel my body's ability to move

I take it slow and easy

No judgement

Just loving myself where I am 

Knowing

I will get to whatever needs getting at

I will get there

I've learned

You can't be a functional adult

If you never learned

To be a functional child

A functional teenager

A functional young adult

There are some building blocks that need to be in place first

Before you can get to the other stuff

I've learned

That I'm never stuck

I've just needed to move slower than most

Slower

Than I've ever been allowed to

I was born into a world that immediately dictated

That I become functional

Somehow

Without guidance

Without love

Without nurturing

Just barking demands and letdowns 

I never learned

I just escaped

As often and as much as possible

My connection to the universe strengthened

Because against all logic and reason

She provided for me

She came through

When no human ever could

What one might perceive as giving up

I experience as being found

My spirituality was born out of the very tangible experience

Of being held

Of being provided for

By an entity beyond anything I could have ever imagined

I grew up

With a concept of "god"

That never really meant anything to me

That felt harsh and cold and unloving at its core

I found love

In a connection that I can't explain with words

And I don't desire to

I've learned to just indulge

In this profound experience of love

Bigger than anything I've ever known

It's in me

It's a part of me

It surrounds me

It heals every wound and is the source of every inspiration

I found magic

In an extremely unimpressive existence

It teaches me

That explaining with words is futile

It is in the experience

That we truly understand and discover more