Stronger

My heart bursts and breaks

For all the pain that exists

And I'm reminded

That to forge a new path

Is to be open

To new ways of being

And dedicated

To my own well-being

It isn't easy

Because it goes against

The momentum

That society has created

My desire

Is large enough

To keep me going

I can't live here

In the way that's expected

I can only be here

If I love myself

Wholly and completely 

Against the will

Of a society

Whose only desire

Is to exploit me

Healing

As I move through

Deep and heavy energy

I'm reminded

That the path I'm on

Is new

Is one that I'm creating as I go

Is one that honors me

Every step of the way

As I heal

I don't become like anyone else

I become more like myself

And who I am

Is deep

And sensitive

And emotional

Someone who feels more

Than she can speak

Letting Go

Feeling better

Feeling lighter

A reminder

To release energy that isn't mine

This world is heavy

To be here

Demands a certain amount

Of letting go

Relationships

I won't engage

In blame

And pointing fingers

Human beings make mistakes

Is there love?

Was it an accident?

Was it on purpose?

What was the intention behind it?

Was it selfish?

Was it misguided?

Was it unaware?

Relationships

Are rooted in our ability to relate

Are we relating?

Or are we keeping score?

Love Is Protection

The only way to prove

That something doesn't work

Is to let it crash and burn

The more abuse is revealed

The less we can point the finger at people

And the more we are forced to see

That the system breeds abuse

Our culture breeds abuse

The only thing wrong with people

Is their need to adapt to an inhumane system

That demands them to be less human

Be less human

Feel less

Care less

Love less

People are looking for love

In all the wrong places

Amongst each other's sad and broken pieces

You can manipulate others to do your bidding

But you cannot manipulate love

The only way

To have power over others

Is to prey on their insecurities

Once people know love

Manipulation becomes empty

Once people heal

They see 

That abuse comes from unhealed trauma

They see

That to love themselves

Is to protect themselves

And to stand up for others

Trusting Myself

I know now

That's where I find myself

I know

How traumatized people are

How toxic people are

I know

Not to get too close

Not to allow other people's trauma

To rub off on me

I can't save anyone

I can only be a friend

So I know

To keep my distance

To protect my energy

To love myself first

I know now

That everything I grew up with

Was backwards

And now I trust myself

What Now?

Now I know

Now I see

The child

Who was unhappy

Lethargic

Unmotivated

Cynical

Apathetic

Hateful

I see her now

And I hold her in love

Because it wasn't her fault

My reaction to this world

Is appropriate

My inability to function here

Is appropriate

My debilitation

Has been appropriate

I'm finding my way

To a reality that works for me

But I can only get there

Through loving myself

I am too sensitive for this world

But this world

Creates monsters

I would rather be depressed and debilitated

Than be a monster

My reaction to this world

Is valid and appropriate

And that's what I want everyone to know

Yes

People are truly awful

But this world made them that way

So what the fuck

Do we do now?

Loving Somewhere Better

A new world

A better world

Gives time and space

Holds our emotions with love

As we spiral 

Between what's been

And what should be

A better world

Doesn't tell us to get back on our feet

But loves us all the way there

As I sit

Between old worlds and new

I remind myself to love myself where I am

Because if I can't do that

I will never get to where I want to go

Breaking

Feeling the weight of the world

I ask myself

What to do

With all this heaviness

What to do

As I watch trauma and abuse unfold before me

What do I do

With all this knowledge

Of human behavior

Only to see clearly

People's limits and lack of awareness

What to do

With all this pain

Some of it is mine

And some of it is the rest of the world's

And all I feel is heavy

I study psychology

For this very reason

Because the weight of the world

Always seems to get the best of me

So I study

And I learn

And I try to do better

While the world crumbles around me

And I ask myself

Is any of this

Worth

Anything?

I'm not sure

Are we just a blip

In the infinite vastness of the universe?

Does any of this really matter?

Or are we just desperate

To save what's left of our "civilization"

And our species

The world is dying

And as it dies 

Extensive abuses are given light

There's a reason we're here

There's a reason it's crumbling

Do you think

That any of us

Are exempt

From the atrocities committed?

We think that abuse and destruction is our nature

But it isn't

Our nature

Is kind and loving

We have become monsters

As a way to cope

With an abusive world

Where do we draw the line?

At what point

Do we admit

How awful our society has been?

There cannot be a healthy mindset that comes out of this

We have to relearn what that means

And as we do so

The horrors become wider and bigger

I came here to see

I know that much

I see so much

I want to leave

I don't want to be here

I don't want to see anymore

I want to go to sleep

Heavy

I've already accomplished

What I set out to do

Which was to change my relationships

My relationships are solid now

Grounding

Supportive

Nurturing

I've changed

In the ways that I wanted to

In ways that support me now

But my heart is heavy

I know too much

I see too much

And so much of it

Is hard to put into words

I know people better than they know themselves

It can be hard to watch

I want to turn off

Close my eyes

And be transported to another dimension

Another life

Where people can love each other

And respect each other

And care more than they cause harm

My heart is heavy with the weight of the world

And all I want to do is escape

And I do

To the best of my ability

I only show up now

In ways that I hope can be helpful

And healing

This world is torn apart

And my heart is heavy

Quiet

She's died a thousand times

And she'll die a thousand more

No one will ever know

The skins she sheds

In order to continue to grow and prosper

She's not entirely sure

Where she's going

But she's certain

It's better than anywhere she's been

In this moment of transition

She allows herself to pause and wonder

To relax and breathe

This life is majestic

And it's ok

To be still

Pivot

I feel

Pain

Stagnation

Stuckness

I feel

Other people's feelings

I've spent so much of my life

Worrying

About what other people are thinking and feeling

And doing

Behind the facade they present

I don't care anymore

People think that loving

Is overextending yourself

Nagging

Begging

Pleading

You won't find me doing any of the above

I see more than I want to

I feel more than I want to

And I've learned

It's almost never received

But in rare beautiful moments

I can connect

With someone else

Who can see and hear and feel me

And that feels like magic

I don't need

What other people reach for

Nor do I want it

What I want

Is something different

That's always been within me

Coming Back To Self

Sometimes

I get so sucked in

To other people's energy

I have to remind myself

That I'm the center of my own reality

When people pull at you

They become bigger than they are

And you have to remember

That your life

Is the one you cultivate

Not one that others try to create for you

I'm learning

How to release energy that isn't mine

How to love from a distance

How to re-calibrate

Back to my life

And the reality that I desire to create

After a lifetime

Of being sidetracked

By other people's energies

It takes a whole lot of work

To remember to come back to me