A Bigger Love

I am taking my time

When I cannot find the will to move

I surrender

I allow myself to be where I am

And I love myself

When I cannot find the will

To do the things I desire to do

I give myself what I need first

Love 

Distraction

Understanding

And then

If I need to

I purge

I allow the words to flow out of my brain

Out of my body

And onto the page

Where I release them

And as I release them

I feel better

The weight begins to lighten

And I can feel my body's ability to move

I take it slow and easy

No judgement

Just loving myself where I am 

Knowing

I will get to whatever needs getting at

I will get there

I've learned

You can't be a functional adult

If you never learned

To be a functional child

A functional teenager

A functional young adult

There are some building blocks that need to be in place first

Before you can get to the other stuff

I've learned

That I'm never stuck

I've just needed to move slower than most

Slower

Than I've ever been allowed to

I was born into a world that immediately dictated

That I become functional

Somehow

Without guidance

Without love

Without nurturing

Just barking demands and letdowns 

I never learned

I just escaped

As often and as much as possible

My connection to the universe strengthened

Because against all logic and reason

She provided for me

She came through

When no human ever could

What one might perceive as giving up

I experience as being found

My spirituality was born out of the very tangible experience

Of being held

Of being provided for

By an entity beyond anything I could have ever imagined

I grew up

With a concept of "god"

That never really meant anything to me

That felt harsh and cold and unloving at its core

I found love

In a connection that I can't explain with words

And I don't desire to

I've learned to just indulge

In this profound experience of love

Bigger than anything I've ever known

It's in me

It's a part of me

It surrounds me

It heals every wound and is the source of every inspiration

I found magic

In an extremely unimpressive existence

It teaches me

That explaining with words is futile

It is in the experience

That we truly understand and discover more

Trusting Myself

There is something

So cathartic

So

Gratifying

In finding your own voice

In learning

How you want to share it

In creating your own space

There is something

So rewarding

In finding safe ways

To be yourself

In all the ways that people try to highlight mental illness

We still miss the fact

That it simply isn't safe to take care of yourself

No one is truly safe to be themselves

Without the threat of judgment and unfounded insults being hurled at them

Our society is not a safe place

And yet

We find our safe spaces

We find the ways that we can express ourselves

Despite the world we live in

Learning to love myself

Has truly changed how I see everything

I understand now

I won't be accepted

I won't be loved right

But when I love myself

I find this profound ability

To keep myself safe

To know my own worth

To begin to learn how to be myself

Because I no longer need to prove myself

I simply exist

And let that be enough

To take me where I want to go

Even if I don't know where that is

I trust that it's in me

And I'll find it

I trust myself now

And it is profound

How life changing that is

Holding Onto Goodness

I turn to the outside world

And find little that inspires

Little

That talks about what I want to talk about

Little

That is hopeful

It doesn't matter which side of anything you are on

It is all rooted in fear

And while there is a lot to be afraid of

A lot to be sad about

A lot of pain and anger and hatred

I just can't reside there

And I'm sorry

I'm truly sorry to anyone who takes that personally

Who thinks that I should

Take on the world's pain

Who feels the unbearable weight of all of it

It's just that

I truly believe

That if every single one of us

Found something positive to focus on

Found something good to expand

That 

Would be the thing to change everything

I know we are being told what to fixate on

It's just that

This society has never served us

This society was built on lies

From the get-go

And it's only been harmful

Existing in pain is simply unsustainable

The horror is endless and awful

It's endless and awful

I'm not saying we should ignore it

But I'm asking

Where are our efforts most bountiful?

Where is the change most profound and accessible?

It is easy to feel burdened and despair

That is the easiest thing to feel, in my opinion

I think

When it all gets too much

And there is nothing to do but give up

I think that's when we learn

That sometimes

Starting small is something

Loving yourself is something

Loving your family is something

Loving your community is something

Nurturing goodness around you

Is something

When you can't fix the whole world

Starting where you are

Is something

And from there

Who knows what else could come

Some of us are in more powerful positions than others

I don't believe that change is up to me alone

And I don't believe that I'm the only one who cares

I know

That people have been fighting for goodness for centuries

The fact that it's an uphill battle

Is profoundly disconcerting

But we're still here

And we're learning

And we're growing

And I believe

That although darkness seems like the easiest thing

I think there is more light than we know

I've lived in darkness my whole life

Which is why

I simply can't reside there anymore

I do believe in goodness

I've found it many times

And I'm learning

That the more light I hold onto

The brighter it shines

I take the time

To root darkness out of my system

Because in my experience

It's in the letting go

Where change is allowed to take form

When I let go of what was and what I thought

Could or should be

I open myself up to change in a new way

A way that isn't forced

But is nurtured and grown

It's going to take all types

And all ways

But in my experience

Change is inevitable

Opening Up To More

I'll write here

Because I desire for connection

I'll write here

In the safety of this tiny space I've created for myself

Where if people are curious

They can find me

If you want to know what I think

It's here

In nuance and grey area

If you want to know me

You are free to know me

But I won't be anything you think I am

I don't desire to please anyone anymore

I desire

More than anything

To be myself

In all of this time and space

I've learned to love myself

Gaslighting, manipulation, shame, guilt

They can't influence me anymore

My life

Is up to no one else

My life is mine

So if you wish to know me

You'll have to find me

Outside of everything you think I should be

Because if I've learned anything

It's that nobody knows what's best for anyone else

Everyone only acts out of their own experiences

And while personal experience is educational

It does not encompass all that is

If you wish to help another

Help them tune into their own guidance system

Help them love themselves

In all of our similarities and differences

It takes all types

We are all worthy and have something to offer

If you love someone

Love them in their wholeness

And let them show you who they are

Without the filter you place upon them

Open your mind to nuance and variance

Open your mind to more

And you will be blown away

By how much there is to discover

My journey now

Is in this

The discovery

Needing to know less

And exist more

Connecting With Me

In my newfound safety

Of my quiet bubble

Where no one whispers harsh cruelties

And there is only love

I write

I find my connection again

The way I did as a child

But this time

Out of love

Not hatred

This time

I write what comes to me

And let it flow out of me

Allowing my thoughts to be

What they are

No longer afraid of how others will take me

Because I've already walked that path

And it was futile

So now I hide away the way I like to

The way that soothes me

And I just

Write

I write

And people can take me or leave me

That's how I like it

Not trying to convince anyone that I'm worthy

Or right or wrong

Just that I am

And this is me

People have always tried to mold me

To their versions of me

Who I should be

Who I could be

If only

I were different

I am different

I am so different

I refuse to be taken in by anyone

Because while I can guarantee that I can relate to you

I can't guarantee

That you can relate to me

So I take my space

I take my distance

I take my peace

I'm sick of being misunderstood and misinterpreted

The thoughts in my brain are too big to explain in any given moment

My experience of this earth is too profound to put into words most of the time

So I write

I write

Because in writing

I discover who I am 

Devoid of everyone else's input

Mothering

I've written

For as long as I can remember

I wrote

And I wrote

And I wrote

That's always how I found my connection

In my twenties I lost it

I became dependent

I tried hard to fit in

To the life I had chosen

I lost myself

But the thing is

I don't think I ever had myself

I can't think of a time when I felt secure inside my body

When I felt ok

At all

I'm finding it now

In my mid-thirties

When I tried all the things everyone else wanted me to to try

And still

I couldn't find my wholeness

But I found it in my daughter

I found myself in my daughter

And it changed

Everything

It changed how I looked at the world

How I looked at my life

How I valued

Everything

Especially everyone else's opinions

My daughter is the one that saved me

Because for her

I'd discard everything 

To protect her

To nurture her

To be the mom I always knew was in me

I just knew

And once I had her I learned

The role of the mother will never be validated

You will never win

You will never be accepted

You will never be loved or validated or nurtured the way you deserve to be

When I became a mother

My role in society shed new light on everything

Thank god I was already an outcast

Thank god for my rebellious nature

Thank god for me

Because that's the only thing I had to rely on

Me, myself, and my growing intuition

My life

My choices

Have never made sense to anyone

But when I look at my daughter, I know

Everything I do is for her

I don't mother the way anyone else thinks I should mother

I mother

The way I know I should mother

Because it's in me

It's the core of my being

Society is going to judge you anyway

When you trust yourself

External validation stops mattering

There is no mother that does it exactly the same way

We're not supposed to

We're not supposed to be the same

We're supposed to be ourselves

And love our children

Discovering More

My whole life

I absorbed everything

Every pain

Every emotion

Every shift in vibration

I became so starkly aware of other people's perceptions

I became quiet

More and more and more

People told me to speak up

To raise my voice

To share

To communicate

But when I tried

It felt

So futile

I was uncomfortable

Because I never knew how my words would be received

I was starkly aware

That people would filter me

Through their eyes

Their experiences

Their judgments and expectations

The older I became the more I withdrew

People

Are so unpredictable

And I absorbed everything

I internalized so much

My body shut down on me

I can't untangle my bottled up emotions

With my body's increasing inability to function

My brain 

Tied itself in knots

And I became

Lifeless

I am a person

That works hard

With whatever is put in front of me

There was never a time in my life

That I didn't work

As hard as I could

To make the best of everything

And all that ever happened

Was my body

Shutting down

So now

Here I am

Somehow

Still alive

With a roof over my head

And time

Time

And space

And silence

And quiet

Meticulously removing every ounce of judgement and expectation that's infiltrated my system

Fuck you, parents

Fuck you, family

Fuck you, capitalism

I've successfully rooted out all of it

And now I'm here

In silence and quiet

Trying to figure out

What's next for me

Who am I

When not indebted or tied or obligated to anyone

Who am I

If I were young and nurtured to love myself

Who would I be, then?

There's no real way to know

So I'm just loving myself

Hard and deep

And starting from there

Childhood

Is a formative time in everyone's lives

Childhood is the building blocks of who we become

If I love my inner child now

Although it feels late

Although it feels hard

Although it's not valued by others

If I love my inner child now

I'll find out more

About me

And the goodness I have to offer

I always believed

That as long as I am alive

There is always more living to do

Although I find myself at the beginning again

I don't regret how I've tried and failed

Because I learned

With every life I tried on

I learned

More about myself

More about what I can do

More about what I need

More about my wounds

I've learned so much about myself

That I'm finally ready to figure out

What life looks like for me

Without judgment

Without expectation

Without obligation

What does life look like

When born out of love?

I don't know

But I do know

That in rest and healing

I am on the road to discovering

Catharsis

I don't know if you've noticed

But the world is still going up in flames

I don't know if you've noticed

But

If you're a millennial, at least

You'll be starkly aware

That the world has been inflamed

Your whole life

And then I think

Well if it's been like this my whole life

It's also been this way for generations

It's hard for me to grasp

How people don't see it

People think we're repeating history

But history never ended

It's just been this way

Forever

Problem after problem after problem

War, disease, famine, depression

Like

How bad is our amnesia?

Are we going backwards

Or have we just been steadily declining

This whole time

Have people not been screaming

For decades?

For centuries?

Now new people are mad

And more people are mad

And privileged are screaming at privileged to recognize their privilege

Good lord

I'm a person of privilege

And I started raising my voice around 12

Now my peers are yelling at the top of their lungs

And it's not that I don't care

It's not that I don't care

It's just that

I question its purpose

I question all of us

Screaming into the ether

Trying to get everyone to see their point of view

Only to be boxed in and typecast

I say I'm tired and I know that doesn't sound fair

When you know

Activists have given their lives

For centuries

The thing is

Yes, the world is exhausting

But I was born exhausted

I grew up

Uncared for and neglected

And it's not that I don't care

It's that I need too much

I need too much for myself 

And while I see

Everyone fretting about where to put their care and concern

I'm concerned

That all of this fretting

Is getting us nowhere

When I started resting

I started observing

And when I started observing

It all began to sound like noise

Everyone hurling insults at each other

Jumping to conclusions and down each other's throats

Everyone yelling

Out of fear and pain

Everyone's so mad

And they should be

Every single one of us has a right to be mad at something

We're justified in our anger

Our pain

Our fear

Our hatred

Everyone is so justified

It's not that I don't care

It's just that

Yelling into the ether seems futile

Although cathartic

Definitely cathartic

We all need a void to scream into

And then maybe

We'd stop being so horrible to each other

Harsh And Fallible

She wakes up in the morning

Mind spinning

Everything feels new

She asks herself

Who is she now?

Who is she today

After her karma is cleared and her life is no longer a reflection of struggle

Who do we become

After our lives have felt so long and so hard

If you decide

That everything

Is just 

Ok

I look around me at the realities I've created

Past and present

And I accept them

Wholly

I see all the wounded parts of me

And I love them

Fully

Humans are profoundly harsh and fallible

So I've tucked myself away

I practice

Loving myself

So I can beam love out of me

Humans

Are profoundly harsh and fallible

I forget

Because I want to pull out the best

In everyone

For everyone

I've learned

That the best way to do that

Is to do it for myself

That doesn't come so easily

But it comes

When you look for it

When you try

When you focus your energy

I've done a lot of things and lived a lot of lives

But none of them made me happy

When I find stillness

I find my wholeness

I won't run anymore

I'll build myself up from where I am

And love every inch of myself along the way

Because people

Are harsh and fallible

And although I am human

I don't want to be like them

Finding Connection

I've noticed

That people have this tendency

To either believe 

In something specific

Or to be sure

That everything is meaningless

I've ran in enough circles to see

That no matter the ideology people subscribe to

This variance still exists

I think it's fascinating

The way people need things

To be one or the other

When you discover your connection to the universe

You think you might be god incarnate

And it's because

You are

But so is everyone else

Does that make it less meaningful?

Does that make you less powerful?

Do you need to be better than others

In order to matter?

Or is it possible

To just

Exist

In all the glory that you are

Alongside everyone else

In their glory?

That's what I believe in

That's where I believe true abundance lies

Sure

We can have as much as we want for ourselves

But isn't it always better

When it's shared?

Aren't we always happier

To feel connected

To something more

Than just ourselves

It doesn't matter what it is

It can be art, a fantasy world or our community 

It can be one person, a child or children in general

Or just feeling understood

It doesn't matter who or what

That makes us feel connected

It's just

The feeling connected part

I understand the monks and gurus who go off to live a life in isolation

But they are all on that same quest for connection

Whether it's the ether or their monastery

What everyone is searching for is exactly the same

Connection

To feel meaningful

To feel like they matter

To someone or something

In my opinion

It doesn't matter what it is that makes you feel connected

It matters

That you do it

As often as you can

I think that we are all

Brilliant

Creative

Beautiful beings

And when we see it in others

I hope we can know

That we are just as worthy

And just as brilliant

And just as beautiful

As anyone we admire

I lost a lot of time and inspiration

So it can be hard

To believe in myself

But when I accepted my losses for what they were

I decided

That all I can do is start over

All I can do

Is be where I am now

And love myself harder than ever

I didn't deserve to be stripped of the worthiness I should have been born with

But it happened

I lost what I know was innately inside of me

So now

I love myself

For not knowing where to go

For not knowing my purpose

For not knowing

Anything

Except everything that hurt me

And everything I know

I don't want to be

We don't have to know where we're going

To know

That we are worthy

To know

That all we really need

Is already inside of us

In the things that light us up and set us on fire

That make us laugh and cry

The things

That make us feel something

It's not about being wrong or right

I'm certain now

It's just about feeling connected

We Didn't Come To Be "Normal"

A lot of us

Have come down to earth

To help raise its vibration

We weren't meant to exist

Like everyone else

We were meant to be the light

But not as singular leaders necessarily amassing an audience

But as co-creators

Turning the light on in each and every one of us

It feels safer

To hand our power over to someone else

What if we do it wrong?

What if we accidentally hurt others?

We don't want to feel too responsible

So we point fingers and place blame and lift up the high and mighty

We glorify who we deem worthy and demonize the rest

Why can't we all just be like the ones we've decided are worth our admiration?

But what got them there?

And what happens when you discover their imperfections?

Will you proclaim your disappointment or stand firm in your allegiance?

Does it matter?

Who are you and why is your opinion the most important?

When you find out someone you loved did something wrong

Will you bow your head in shame

Trying to unlove the things that made you feel something?

How long will we stay here

Afraid to feel

Afraid to be

The profoundly imperfect humans that we are

Because that's what we are

And that's what we're supposed to be

We came here

To discover

Not to be "perfect"

Whatever the fuck that means

Please tell me

What perfection means to you

Because all I see

Are lies

Lies and excuses and projection and anger

Suppressing emotions and...

Illness

Are we surprised?

Are we surprised at all of our aches and ailments?

Are we surprised?

Of course we are

Because no one even knows themselves enough

To understand why

They hurt so much

There isn't a person who's trauma I haven't held

People are so afraid to feel

So all they can do

Is normalize pain

And ask everyone else

To normalize it too

But we didn't come here to be "normal"

We came here

To be different

And to discover

Or rediscover

What else there is

Something Different

They say

"Be the light you wish to see in the world"

"Don't look at physical reality to know your desires"

The world is a shit show

I've known it forever

For as long as I've been alive

I can't remember a time

When I was satisfied

Until now

Right now in this moment

When I stopped trying

The universe gifted me a home

And infinite time and space

I kept trying to do and be something

But she kept telling me to go back to bed

Go back to bed

Go back to bed

We've been gifted this time to rest

But people are so resistant

That's how you know

Capitalism has infiltrated our minds and bodies

To the point

Where we can't rest

We can't be

We can't allow ourselves to just

Exist

We have to mean something

And in order to mean something

We have to constantly be doing

My life became devoid of all meaning

When I tried living for other people

So what does it mean to live for yourself?

Absolutely nothing

We exist

Only in relation to the collective

But the collective

Is so dead set

On destroying itself

So I come up here in my infinite abyss

And I hold love

I just hold it

I let it permeate throughout my being and flow to whoever needs it

That's all

It's easy and it's simple and it's lovely here

It's so lovely

I want everyone to know this kind of love

But then I look at reality and I see

How futile it is to make people understand something

That is meant to be effortless

Everything

Is meant to be easy

But we have been so conditioned for hardship

We can't let ourselves be

So I've decided

To let myself exist in the ether for awhile

Without saying goodbye to my body

Because people need to understand

That when people choose to leave

It's because they can't reconcile their soul's cry for goodness

And the harsh reality of what is

Don't judge

What you don't understand

More of us call out for death than we'd like to admit

We're supposed to enjoy this?

This hell?

That everyone collectively creates?

The only thing I see people enjoying

Is simplicity

Art

Beauty

In my cocoon

I absorb all the goodness that I know exists

I've stopped wishing for things that feel too far away

And I've started just

Living

The life I want to live

Isn't that what all the self-help books say?

Seize the day

Believe in yourself

Manifest your dreams

Do we ever move out of needing

And finally dive into knowing?

Having?

Believing?

Feeling

Satisfied?

That's what I want

Peace and satisfaction

That wherever I am

Is perfect

And can be exactly what I want it to be

In each and every perfect moment

I've decided

To let go of whatever people have decided is reality

And see what happens

When I believe in something different

Where I Want To Be

I let the void consume me

I'm not afraid of it anymore

Like a womb

That protects me from the outside world

I don't wish to reside there

So the universe made me a cocoon

I'm grateful

Grateful to have found a way to be here

That doesn't hurt my soul

The world is just the same as it's always been

But that's not why I'm here

Or maybe it is

Either way

I understand now

How hard I have to love myself

In order to exist here

The way I need to

The way I'm supposed to

I know

The world is full

Of infinite abundance

And I am so grateful

To have this womb to rest in

I've needed it for so long

Nothingness

It is wild to me

The ways in which 

People strive for normalcy

The world is literally

Falling apart

No matter where you look

Or which way you look at it

Nothing is normal

But still we have this drive to keep going

Keep existing

Because if we don't

We're forced to ask the question

"Who am I?"

Who are we

Without all the qualifiers of who we've told ourselves we are

In my quest for light

I found nothingness

Pure

Profound

Nothingness

Is this what Buddha found?

Is this what it's all about?

The nothingness of it all?

It makes me think 

How much

Enlightenment is something that exists

In quiet corners

Where nobody notices

And everyone assumes

Is a lost cause

Don't be strange

Don't be weird

Don't act out

But if you can sell a book

By all means

You can be our hero

In the quest for light

I found nothingness

I don't desire to be seen or heard

I don't desire to convince anyone

Of anything

People

Are so convinced

Of both their evil

And their godliness

They don't understand

That in nothingness

There is freedom