Exhausted

The words

Are beginning to bubble

And fester inside of me

Words pushed down and away

For so long

Because I've always been too tired

Too tired of my own brain

To sit with it

For too long

I'm reactionary

I'll have a lot to say

To someone else

But what about all those people

Who just like to talk

To hear the sound of their own voice

They don't seem to know that feeling

Of being sick of yourself

I've been spending too much time

Around young, overconfident women

And I'm exhausted

I can't compete with their energy

Their self-assuredness

I feel myself retreating back into myself

Going back home

Where I'm safe

In my trauma

Ask me a simple question

And I'll tell you

I was a miserable child

I don't have happy memories

My parents weren't there for me

They barely provided for me

I don't like to compare trauma

I don't like to dwell

I don't like to take up too much space at all

I know

That my trauma has made me deep

And perceptive

I know now

I have a lot to offer

But I won't compete for attention

I'm too tired

There is always more to say

And always more ears to hear it

I don't need to push myself to the front

To matter