A Student Of Love

The more you fight

For what you believe to be right

The more people will fight against you

I'm learning

To let go more

And trust

People think if you change your energy

If you do better

People will do better by you

But I don't think that's how it works

The more I try to do better

The more I'm met with past dynamics

People trying to relate to me based on how I was

How I've been

Rather than who I am now

And that has a way of pulling you back

To places you don't want to be in anymore

Change is hard and it takes time

And patience

And determination

And perseverance

So when I find myself spiraling

To places I don't want to be in

I've learned to let go

I don't have to prove myself to anyone

For the truth

Reveals itself

Always

When we stop holding so tightly to it

It's been a rocky road

Trying to find my voice

In a world

That doesn't value it

But I've learned

That I'm smart

And I'm capable

And I'm wise

And I no longer need to fight to be heard

When we make peace with ourselves

Our truths don't need to be forced

They can become quiet and sure

You may not agree with me

But that won't change what I know to be true

And what I know is right

There is a quiet strength in knowing yourself

Knowing your worth

We live in a society that expects and demands

That we betray ourselves

So it feels like a risk

To say "no"

But we're doing it

More and more of us all the time

Some of us were bred to be compassionate and understanding

But when we turn that love on ourselves

We become something different

I can love you

And love myself

At the same time

Love is not self-betrayal

Love is not revenge

Love is not competition

Love is love is love is love

It holds all people

All truths

All conflict

Within its vastness 

Love is far too big for us to understand

So that's why I'm learning

To surrender

And let it show me

A better way

Injustice

It is wild to me

How distorted

People's perceptions can become

Of what is real

Of the own roles they play

In their own realities

It is wild to me

That no matter how you may give others the benefit of the doubt

In turn

They are weaving stories about you

Congratulating themselves 

For questioning those stories

But ultimately

Believing them

I have learned

That "being the bigger person"

Has nothing to do with letting things slide

But rather

Sticking up for yourself

When others would readily walk over you

I find myself

Fighting for equality

When others are fighting to take more than their fair share

We are not the same

The storms we find ourselves in are our own

We can't avoid them

We can only reflect on how we want to participate

I can only reflect on who I want to be

Despite the cold world we live in

The cold people who will bite at your character

Without knowing you

This world prepared me

Taught me

That while I can be soft and amenable 

I also have to be willing

To fight for myself

For rights

That no one should have to fight for

That's the sad reality we've been born into

But I think I'm learning 

To own it

To own whatever fight is mine

To own my own sovereignty 

My own way of being

So that when others come for me

I know how to stand tall

In my own knowing

In my own assurance

That I have just as much a right to be here

As anyone

Change

It's nice

To feel wanted

My whole life

I felt like a burden

And as I grow and change

All the unwanted feelings fall away

And I find myself

Surrounded

Supported

In ways I've never felt before

It was in me

In my healing

People hate believing that they attract what's in their lives

But it's the only thing that makes sense to me

While there are so many things we don't deserve

We're the ones who allow them

When I heal

I only allow what's good for me

Because I understand

I'm worthy

I was born worthy and I'll die worthy

And inbetween it's up to me

To decide what is worthy of me

What I'm worth

My own value

Feeling valueless brought me a world of pain

Pain I don't want anymore

To shed parts of yourself

Feels like losing yourself

Because you are

But what I think is beautiful

Is the simple fact

That every single day

We have the opportunity to recreate ourselves

If we allow others to dictate who we are

We'll never change

But if we let ourselves

Change will bring us everything we're looking for

Karma

People are afraid of the law of attraction

Because they don't know their own selves

When you understand

You are profoundly sacred

And also

Profoundly human

There is nothing to fear

For you become the keeper of your own self

The mother bear that will protect you

By any means necessary

That is where we have fallen short

Forgetting to love ourselves enough

Not because we are better than anyone else

But because we are all just as worthy as each other

We were born into a world that told us otherwise

But that doesn't mean it's true

Understanding the law of attraction

Is not about self-deprecation

It's about the opposite

Everything that flows into our reality

That tells us we are unworthy

Is exactly what we need to overcome

To strengthen our sense of self

That no

In fact we *are* worthy

The messages are so deeply ingrained

That when we feel good about ourselves

We forget that they're there

We don't realize

All the things we do everyday

Just to prove our worth

To show

That we've earned our place on earth

Those with more than others

Either lord it above them

Or feel guilted to help them

But see

No one has earned their place on earth

That idea is mythology

We were born worthy

Some have stolen more than others

And it's usually those who lord it above them

To win in our society

Is to steal 

And then blame those we have stolen from

That's how our society works

And in the midst of this chaos they have convinced us

To worship them

Tell me again how this is the land of the free and the home of the brave

For who?

The white men that stole it?

They perpetuated the same inequality they ran from 

That's what happens when you don't heal

You justify your behavior as a necessity

You say,

"Today it's for me, but tomorrow it will be for you

Until then

Your suffering is holy"

I shall not be a martyr for the white supremacist patriarchy

You see

The law of attraction taught me I am worthy

The law of karma taught me they will fall

The law of balance teaches me to hold steady

For I don't have to become them in order to topple them

The universe

She does that all on her own

From Within

We walk away from things that harm us

Wondering

How we got ourselves there in the first place

Fleeing pain in the hopes of salvation

Only to find ourselves

Again and again and again and again

I leave

When I do not feel free

To be myself

To find myself

Safely

The world is full of judgment

Endless

And it won't quit

The trick

Is not to find contentment in isolation

But in what it means

To be one's self

In spite of judgment

People will talk and assume nasty things about you

But it's not who you are

To hide away in avoidance

Is to let them win

I've learned

Sometimes

We need our cocoon

In order to heal and grow within the safety of our own energy

But then

We have a right to step out into the world

As we are

It takes strength

It takes strength to stand up amidst doubt and criticism

To stand alone

In your individuality

But how can we create a safe space for others

When we are too afraid to be ourselves

There is healing

And then there is becoming new

We can't always expect to be understood

But we can understand ourselves

I've learned

To walk away from discomfort

Is only to find it again somewhere else

What we flee from

Is within us

And we cannot run from ourselves

Fire Breathing

Did you think they’d go down easy? 

Men threatened by a woman’s autonomy? 

I don’t ask or beg for acceptance or validation

I’m not here to keep the peace, to be anyone’s doormat

To smile kindly and politely while society fucks me

Do I sound angry? 

Fucking right I’m angry

But not because of one abortion law

Because of lifetimes of destruction and hurt and pain

Have we heard any apologies? Any take backs? 

This law is just another drop in the bucket

Did we expect anything different? 

You’re right, it’s not about life at all

It’s about manipulation and control under the guise of nothing

It’s called gaslighting

Do they know exactly what they’re doing? 

Are they trying to make us angry? 

Are we still out here thinking things are changing? 

I take what’s mine, because I’m human

I deserve to be here along with all the privileges men enjoy

But I ask you, do you think they’re happy? 

I don’t strive to win in a man’s world

It’s toxic and fucked and backwards

Excuse me while I fuck off and do it myself

A woman’s famous words

The fire I breathe is my protection

I didn’t come here to feed the patriarchy, I came here to burn it

And rise from the embers

I hope you are afraid of me

Afraid of my spirit

Afraid of my joy

Afraid of my voice when it speaks, even if it shakes

What is more powerful than control? 

A woman when she’s no longer afraid

A Bigger Love

I am taking my time

When I cannot find the will to move

I surrender

I allow myself to be where I am

And I love myself

When I cannot find the will

To do the things I desire to do

I give myself what I need first

Love 

Distraction

Understanding

And then

If I need to

I purge

I allow the words to flow out of my brain

Out of my body

And onto the page

Where I release them

And as I release them

I feel better

The weight begins to lighten

And I can feel my body's ability to move

I take it slow and easy

No judgement

Just loving myself where I am 

Knowing

I will get to whatever needs getting at

I will get there

I've learned

You can't be a functional adult

If you never learned

To be a functional child

A functional teenager

A functional young adult

There are some building blocks that need to be in place first

Before you can get to the other stuff

I've learned

That I'm never stuck

I've just needed to move slower than most

Slower

Than I've ever been allowed to

I was born into a world that immediately dictated

That I become functional

Somehow

Without guidance

Without love

Without nurturing

Just barking demands and letdowns 

I never learned

I just escaped

As often and as much as possible

My connection to the universe strengthened

Because against all logic and reason

She provided for me

She came through

When no human ever could

What one might perceive as giving up

I experience as being found

My spirituality was born out of the very tangible experience

Of being held

Of being provided for

By an entity beyond anything I could have ever imagined

I grew up

With a concept of "god"

That never really meant anything to me

That felt harsh and cold and unloving at its core

I found love

In a connection that I can't explain with words

And I don't desire to

I've learned to just indulge

In this profound experience of love

Bigger than anything I've ever known

It's in me

It's a part of me

It surrounds me

It heals every wound and is the source of every inspiration

I found magic

In an extremely unimpressive existence

It teaches me

That explaining with words is futile

It is in the experience

That we truly understand and discover more