Dear Men, Do Better

My anger bubbles through me

I want to scream

I want to slap every man

That has ever tried to make me feel less than

Oh women do it too

And I've also wanted to slap them

But men

Men...

Men expect it

Men expect your lowliness and submission

Your self-denial

Your self-betrayal

Men don't like an "unruly woman"

How dare she

Challenge what he says

Be smarter than him

Funnier than him

Kinder and better liked

How dare she

Reap the benefits of her own kindness and care

And not allow herself to be a doormat for others

How 

Dare

She

Removing men from your life makes the contrast starker

The image clearer

It becomes obvious

Because of how free and kind and loving your life becomes

When men enter

It's like bringing a cold wind into a warm, sunny room

And dimming the light

Causing you to close doors and shutter windows

Because suddenly you feel unsafe

When you didn’t before 

Emotionally, mentally, psychologically, spiritually

Physically, sexually

Men's entitlement over others

Suffocates and burdens

While they make excuses for themselves and don't care to think of reciprocity

Don't care to think

Don't care to feel

Don't care to empathize

Because they couldn't possibly put themselves in other people's shoes

They could never imagine being someone else

Because they automatically see themselves as better and smarter

They don't think,

"Thank god I was born a man"

They assume...

Maybe that's their biggest flaw

That they assume

That they just see things clearer 

That they just are

Smarter, better, faster, stronger

Funnier

Just like a narcissist

Who can't possibly grasp

That their actions have consequences

That the way people protect themselves against them

Is directly related to how they are treated

Men can't see

The realities they create around them

Because they can't admit to their own subjectivity

Their own bias

Their own distortions

They must believe

That their experience is the "objective" experience

And everyone else is "hysterical" in comparison

Dear men,

You're lonely

Because you're assholes

Try being better humans

What Is Sacred

I'm not giving myself away anymore

From now on

People will have to earn me

My time

My attention

My energy

My wisdom

I won't be hollowed out

And left for scraps

I never understood this world

The way people take everything they can for themselves

And can't see

That when they harm others

They also harm themselves

I never saw much use in an ego

All I saw were walls

And denial

But everyone else's walls

Showed me how much I need my own

Because people will take

They'll take

Until you have nothing left

Until you make it stop

That's not how it's supposed to be

We're supposed to be able to love

Fully and freely

But in this world

Love has a cost

It's not safe

You'll be walked over and trampled on

This world doesn't know love

The things we call love

Are distortions

The closest we can get to it

Without ever really grasping it

So the best we can do

Is learn to love ourselves

The way we would love others

If they were safe for us 

But when I love myself

I suddenly find myself surrounded by the purest love there is:

Animals and children

And I realize what it means

To get what you give

When your love is pure

That love is returned to you

Animals and children exist through instinct and intuition

They feel you

When others can only attempt to conceptualize you

And will inevitably conceptualize you wrong

To exist

Is to be judged

And misunderstood

And to experience distorted love

That never feels quite right

Until you finally realize

There was never a moment in time

That you didn't deserve to be loved

And that's when you begin to recognize it

In small, sweet moments

In your cat coming to comfort you

In your child cuddling up next to you

In the small gifts the universe brings you

We deserve love

And we deserve companionship

But it won't always come in the form we expect

My broken heart

Needs kindness

And comfort

A kind of love that feels you

Without you having to speak

And in an instant you'll realize

That in a world devoid of love

You've managed to create it around you

How precious that is

How sacred

And you realize

How much it needs to be protected

I won't give myself away anymore

I won't share

What won't be appreciated or taken care of

My love is precious and sacred

I am precious and sacred

I won't give myself away anymore

Broken

As you heal

You pick up on all the ways

That others are unhealed

I wish I could say

It's made me more compassionate

I mean

It has

I am more compassionate

And yet

I care less

I feel for every soul

Who's ever felt pain

But I know

That's each and every one of us

And I can't hold everyone

People are looking for answers and solutions

And there are none

Aside from simply loving each other

Which proves to be too hard

When it comes down to it

People say they love

But I'm certain

That no one really knows what it means

Does it mean

To put others before yourself?

Or is that a recipe for destruction?

If it's not that

What is love?

I'm convinced

It's some form of collaboration

Most people struggle to participate in

I don't trust

The ones who bare their soul

Nor do I trust the ones who withhold it

I only trust

Those who can be accountable

Show me you know yourself

Without burdening me

Can you do that?

Can anyone do that?

I see people

Learning to allow themselves to be bruised and broken

And some people

Seem able to hold that

But I can't anymore

I did

Until I began to break

I couldn't hold them

And they couldn't hold me

But children

Children are different

Because they'll break

But they will also pick up their pieces

Watch a child

Navigate adult trauma

No child should ever have to

But sometimes I wish

We were all more like children

Exhausted

The words

Are beginning to bubble

And fester inside of me

Words pushed down and away

For so long

Because I've always been too tired

Too tired of my own brain

To sit with it

For too long

I'm reactionary

I'll have a lot to say

To someone else

But what about all those people

Who just like to talk

To hear the sound of their own voice

They don't seem to know that feeling

Of being sick of yourself

I've been spending too much time

Around young, overconfident women

And I'm exhausted

I can't compete with their energy

Their self-assuredness

I feel myself retreating back into myself

Going back home

Where I'm safe

In my trauma

Ask me a simple question

And I'll tell you

I was a miserable child

I don't have happy memories

My parents weren't there for me

They barely provided for me

I don't like to compare trauma

I don't like to dwell

I don't like to take up too much space at all

I know

That my trauma has made me deep

And perceptive

I know now

I have a lot to offer

But I won't compete for attention

I'm too tired

There is always more to say

And always more ears to hear it

I don't need to push myself to the front

To matter

Stronger

My heart bursts and breaks

For all the pain that exists

And I'm reminded

That to forge a new path

Is to be open

To new ways of being

And dedicated

To my own well-being

It isn't easy

Because it goes against

The momentum

That society has created

My desire

Is large enough

To keep me going

I can't live here

In the way that's expected

I can only be here

If I love myself

Wholly and completely 

Against the will

Of a society

Whose only desire

Is to exploit me

Healing

As I move through

Deep and heavy energy

I'm reminded

That the path I'm on

Is new

Is one that I'm creating as I go

Is one that honors me

Every step of the way

As I heal

I don't become like anyone else

I become more like myself

And who I am

Is deep

And sensitive

And emotional

Someone who feels more

Than she can speak

Letting Go

Feeling better

Feeling lighter

A reminder

To release energy that isn't mine

This world is heavy

To be here

Demands a certain amount

Of letting go