Discovering More

My whole life

I absorbed everything

Every pain

Every emotion

Every shift in vibration

I became so starkly aware of other people's perceptions

I became quiet

More and more and more

People told me to speak up

To raise my voice

To share

To communicate

But when I tried

It felt

So futile

I was uncomfortable

Because I never knew how my words would be received

I was starkly aware

That people would filter me

Through their eyes

Their experiences

Their judgments and expectations

The older I became the more I withdrew

People

Are so unpredictable

And I absorbed everything

I internalized so much

My body shut down on me

I can't untangle my bottled up emotions

With my body's increasing inability to function

My brain 

Tied itself in knots

And I became

Lifeless

I am a person

That works hard

With whatever is put in front of me

There was never a time in my life

That I didn't work

As hard as I could

To make the best of everything

And all that ever happened

Was my body

Shutting down

So now

Here I am

Somehow

Still alive

With a roof over my head

And time

Time

And space

And silence

And quiet

Meticulously removing every ounce of judgement and expectation that's infiltrated my system

Fuck you, parents

Fuck you, family

Fuck you, capitalism

I've successfully rooted out all of it

And now I'm here

In silence and quiet

Trying to figure out

What's next for me

Who am I

When not indebted or tied or obligated to anyone

Who am I

If I were young and nurtured to love myself

Who would I be, then?

There's no real way to know

So I'm just loving myself

Hard and deep

And starting from there

Childhood

Is a formative time in everyone's lives

Childhood is the building blocks of who we become

If I love my inner child now

Although it feels late

Although it feels hard

Although it's not valued by others

If I love my inner child now

I'll find out more

About me

And the goodness I have to offer

I always believed

That as long as I am alive

There is always more living to do

Although I find myself at the beginning again

I don't regret how I've tried and failed

Because I learned

With every life I tried on

I learned

More about myself

More about what I can do

More about what I need

More about my wounds

I've learned so much about myself

That I'm finally ready to figure out

What life looks like for me

Without judgment

Without expectation

Without obligation

What does life look like

When born out of love?

I don't know

But I do know

That in rest and healing

I am on the road to discovering