Loving Somewhere Better

A new world

A better world

Gives time and space

Holds our emotions with love

As we spiral 

Between what's been

And what should be

A better world

Doesn't tell us to get back on our feet

But loves us all the way there

As I sit

Between old worlds and new

I remind myself to love myself where I am

Because if I can't do that

I will never get to where I want to go

Breaking

Feeling the weight of the world

I ask myself

What to do

With all this heaviness

What to do

As I watch trauma and abuse unfold before me

What do I do

With all this knowledge

Of human behavior

Only to see clearly

People's limits and lack of awareness

What to do

With all this pain

Some of it is mine

And some of it is the rest of the world's

And all I feel is heavy

I study psychology

For this very reason

Because the weight of the world

Always seems to get the best of me

So I study

And I learn

And I try to do better

While the world crumbles around me

And I ask myself

Is any of this

Worth

Anything?

I'm not sure

Are we just a blip

In the infinite vastness of the universe?

Does any of this really matter?

Or are we just desperate

To save what's left of our "civilization"

And our species

The world is dying

And as it dies 

Extensive abuses are given light

There's a reason we're here

There's a reason it's crumbling

Do you think

That any of us

Are exempt

From the atrocities committed?

We think that abuse and destruction is our nature

But it isn't

Our nature

Is kind and loving

We have become monsters

As a way to cope

With an abusive world

Where do we draw the line?

At what point

Do we admit

How awful our society has been?

There cannot be a healthy mindset that comes out of this

We have to relearn what that means

And as we do so

The horrors become wider and bigger

I came here to see

I know that much

I see so much

I want to leave

I don't want to be here

I don't want to see anymore

I want to go to sleep

Heavy

I've already accomplished

What I set out to do

Which was to change my relationships

My relationships are solid now

Grounding

Supportive

Nurturing

I've changed

In the ways that I wanted to

In ways that support me now

But my heart is heavy

I know too much

I see too much

And so much of it

Is hard to put into words

I know people better than they know themselves

It can be hard to watch

I want to turn off

Close my eyes

And be transported to another dimension

Another life

Where people can love each other

And respect each other

And care more than they cause harm

My heart is heavy with the weight of the world

And all I want to do is escape

And I do

To the best of my ability

I only show up now

In ways that I hope can be helpful

And healing

This world is torn apart

And my heart is heavy

Quiet

She's died a thousand times

And she'll die a thousand more

No one will ever know

The skins she sheds

In order to continue to grow and prosper

She's not entirely sure

Where she's going

But she's certain

It's better than anywhere she's been

In this moment of transition

She allows herself to pause and wonder

To relax and breathe

This life is majestic

And it's ok

To be still

Pivot

I feel

Pain

Stagnation

Stuckness

I feel

Other people's feelings

I've spent so much of my life

Worrying

About what other people are thinking and feeling

And doing

Behind the facade they present

I don't care anymore

People think that loving

Is overextending yourself

Nagging

Begging

Pleading

You won't find me doing any of the above

I see more than I want to

I feel more than I want to

And I've learned

It's almost never received

But in rare beautiful moments

I can connect

With someone else

Who can see and hear and feel me

And that feels like magic

I don't need

What other people reach for

Nor do I want it

What I want

Is something different

That's always been within me

Coming Back To Self

Sometimes

I get so sucked in

To other people's energy

I have to remind myself

That I'm the center of my own reality

When people pull at you

They become bigger than they are

And you have to remember

That your life

Is the one you cultivate

Not one that others try to create for you

I'm learning

How to release energy that isn't mine

How to love from a distance

How to re-calibrate

Back to my life

And the reality that I desire to create

After a lifetime

Of being sidetracked

By other people's energies

It takes a whole lot of work

To remember to come back to me

The Beauty of Aging

The older I get the more I understand the complexity that people encompass

The older I get the more I understand how wounded and traumatized people are

The older I get the more I see the baggage and dysfunction that accumulates over time

We either delve deep into healing, or we exist in the contradictory space between a desire to connect and a desire to protect ourselves 

Or perhaps we fluctuate between all of it 

We cannot continue to function the same ways we always have

We either grow and change or root further into our dysfunction

I would not choose to go back in time

I am grateful for the wisdom that aging brings

I find peace here, in the dissolution of all things that never mattered

And the discovery of what does