New Moon Intentions

Where I'm at in my life right now

Is protecting my peace

And seeing how I perpetuate dynamics I don't want to be in

There are situations beyond my control

And I want them to have less of an impact on my life

So I'm going to focus my energy on what I'm creating 

With my daughter and my world around me

And deal with the difficult things as they arise

But mostly 

My life is magical and amazing

And with my kid

And the rest of the people in my life

I'm constantly creating more of that

And that is fully where I want to be

The Personal Is Political

I woke up 

With a fire in my belly

A rage that can't be quelled

The world is upside down

And I'm angry

I'm angry at war and needless death

I'm angry at homelessness and starvation

I'm angry at propriety and silence

I'm angry

At our society

And every single one of us that upholds it

I'm angry at how I've been treated my whole life

I'm angry for being silenced

And always pressured to conform

To contort myself in ways that are pleasing to others

To the point of illness

I am angry

Not just for myself

But for every single vulnerable being on the planet

And all the ways that society perpetuates harm

I am angry

About silence

And propriety

I am angry about societal norms

I am angry at blaming individuals

Devoid of contexts and systems

I am angry at over-simplification

Watered down stories

And black and white thinking

I am angry

At the dumbing down of society

And all the ways that people think that how they behave is ok

Your ideas of propriety are not important to me

The ways you think I should be different?

I disagree

Wholeheartedly 

Me, and others like me

We might be the only thing right with humanity

I won't say "the world" because the world is bigger than human beings

And would be better off without us

How fucking sad

That we came here and destroyed so much beauty

Both outside of us, and within

We are only as great as the impact we have on others

And look what we've done

All of us

So when I left my husband

And fought for my daughter

And fought the lawyers and the court

When I allow my daughter to take up space

To express herself and feel seen and understood

That is me, correcting humanity's harm

The humanity that brought patriarchy and silence and exploitation

And abuse

And isolation 

And alienation

The more I fight

The more I am criticized

And it only makes me stronger

So bring it the fuck on

I've lived 39 years of life

Ostracized and imprisoned in a body that rejects injustice

At every turn

From my childhood all the way to apartheid and genocide across the world

Do you not see how it is all connected?

The abuse we experience at home

And the abuse that is enacted globally?

Do we not see?

How the personal is political?

Everywhere we turn?

Everyone is so afraid of looking like a bad person

We can't bear to look at the evil societies we all uphold

If you can't look at it

You can't change it

And that's where I have made use of my courage

I choose to sit with myself

To look deep within

To parse out where I like myself and where I don't

And why

What can I change and what can't I?

What do I support and what don't I?

And the more I deconstruct and put myself back together

The more I stand up for what I truly believe in

Whether it's against a family member

Or an entire society

I know what is right and wrong

Not because someone told me

But because I feel it in my bones

So tell me

Do you still have the capacity to feel?

Or have you still not reclaimed what was stolen from you?

You must reclaim your own Self

In order to reclaim your connection to All

And if we don't

We are no better

Than the ones enacting genocide

Does that make you uncomfortable?

Surely

You don't want to think of yourself as a genocidal maniac

And yet...

What have you done

To stop it?

Love Is A Feeling

I 

Was almost loved

I felt love

I knew love

But in the end

The only love

That ever felt like love

Couldn't love me

Fully and completely

So now

It's a memory

Stitched into the fiber of being

My body knows what love is

In a way that it wouldn't otherwise

Funny

When you experience love 

And realize

That's what it is 

At its core

A feeling

And everyone has to decide for themselves

What to do with that feeling

Love

Does not mean

Anything in particular

It is simply an experience

That can inform you

Can change you

Can broaden your horizons

But love isn't experienced the same way by everyone

It isn't a prescription

It doesn't come with a handbook

Love is only another layer

Of the human experience

Without it

We are incomplete

But that doesn't mean

That we ever know what to do with it

Love

Is just

A feeling

A New Love

How many of us

Classified as "women"

Categorized as "women"

Organized as "women"

Have felt the ache of loving

In a way that could never be returned?

How many 

So-called, so-labeled, so-decided as

"Women"

Loved those

Who were identified as "men"

Who labeled themselves as "men"

Who were viewed under the category "man"

At the expense of our own selves?

How many

"Men"

Claimed

To love 

A "Woman"

Because they were mesmerized 

By what society labeled "beauty"

Because they liked the way

She made him feel

Throughout history

Throughout time

Women

Have loved

Endlessly

Thanklessly

Invisibly

While never being seen

As whole people

Themselves

While never being loved

Or cared for

Or listened to

Or understood

In return

And so men wonder why

Women

Don't care about them anymore

Must we spell it out for you?

After screaming it for centuries?

Do you still feign ignorance?

Obliviousness?

Incompetency?

We loved you

Endlessly

Tirelessly

Until we realized

That you could watch us bleed out

Or worse

And do nothing

A woman's love

Couldn't do the same

Women love

With their entire beings

And usually only halfway through their lives

Do they realize

That they have always loved more

Than they have ever been loved

That's why now

We are choosing ourselves

If it needs to be said explicitly

For you to recognize

That we mean what we say

When we say that we are better off without you

Because if we don't love ourselves

The way we have always loved you

We won't survive this world

That is determined to hate us

Our survival

Rests on our ability to love

And when men show us

That all they can do is betray us

We find solidarity in each other

I didn't grow up hating men

I had no reason to

The men in my family were kinder than the women

It was only when I stopped trying to please people

That I saw men’s hatred for what it was

Men

Have been my biggest disappointment

I never believed in categories

I never found a need

Or want

Or desire

To organize people in that way

Until I started to recognize

How differently men treated me

Compared to everyone else

Until I started to realize

That being too nice to men

Had consequences

That being too nice to others

Didn't

I learned late in life

That men are selfish

And I understood later

Why

So now

I keep them at a distance

And pity them from afar

Because they hold enough pity for themselves

That I don't need to add to their self-victimization

Men have been harming everyone else

For centuries

So now

That they are becoming the outsiders

The ostracized

The exiled

Of course they don't know how to cope

We've been working through our pain for generations

We have been building

On the generations before us

Men don't know the work we do

Because they haven't bothered

To pay too much attention to us

So instead of learning from our pain

From our injustices

They'll have to learn for themselves

The hard way

And while we do pity them

We don't pity them too much

Because at any point in time

They could have chosen something different

Even now

But they are so used to the pedestal

They can't tolerate their own humanity

That's the crux of it

They were always invited to join us

Always

And some of them did

Some of them

Had the courage

To let go of society's definitions of "manhood"

Some of them

Had the awareness

To recognize

That they were also not free

Under society's prescription for them

"Men"

Is the last category of human

That has yet to be dismantled and deconstructed

But men have never had to do anything for themselves

Men have never had to "figure it out"

What we all learned

The more we were afforded the privilege

To share their spaces

Was that most of them

Do next to nothing

For their pedestal

For their award

For their spotlight

For their applause

We learned

That we, too

Can learn from the mediocre white man's ethic

We realized

That our systematic scrutinization

Has made us perfectionists

Has made us thorough

Has made us evaluative

Progress oriented

Used to being perceived

As always doing something wrong

We're not afraid

Or at least less afraid

To reflect on ourselves

And choose to grow

When we surround ourselves with each other

We find we are met with kindness and compassion

Rather than anger, hate, and resentment

We know how to love

Because of the centuries of loving men

Who hated us

Who used us

Who abused us

And threw us out when they were done

The more we love ourselves

The less we need them to love us

Because we realize

That they never really did

Good Luck, Babe

You ask us

To exist in binaries

Male/Female

White/Black

Logic/Emotions

You tell us

These binaries are real

Valid

Scientific, even

And the implication is

One

Is always

Better

Than the other

We don't believe in binaries

Science

Doesn't believe in binaries

But if you insist

We'll tell you

Your binaries are backwards

Your hierarchy is upside down

You see,

You,

On the top,

Are the most twisted of all

And us, on the bottom

Hate you

We hate you

We don't laud you

We don't worship you

And we in no way wish to be you

We fantasize about your death

Your downfall

Your inevitable crash and burn

Because you won't listen to us

When we tell you

That your way of being is unsustainable

You are so arrogant

That we have no choice

But to let you

Find out for yourself

Alongside all the men before you

That your methods are untenable

No matter how cruel

No matter how many lives are lost

And lineages traumatized

You never win

You

Never

Win

So,

We'll let you make believe again

Reconstruct the binaries we've already deconstructed

Cling to your hierarchies that we don't buy into

You have built a house of mirrors

And we aren't interested

Some of us

Have learned our history

And know exactly what you're doing

And while we put our energy into creating the realities we want to live in

We have no choice

But to watch history repeat itself

A life of violence

Only knows a life of violence

You can't have peace

If it is so foreign to you

That you can't tolerate the quiet

The stillness

The space 

For new ideas

And ways of being

And so,

As I create my forcefield of peace around me

I let go

And I let go

And I let go

Every time the old way pulls at me

And makes me question my reality

My inner knowing

My values and priorities

I know you have a greater hold on others

And I may not be able to free them

But trust

They'll find their way

Because to live a life of conformity

Is suffocating

And that's the choice

That's the price we pay

Conformity

Is not better

Than railing against the system

And at least in railing against the system

I am connected to my humanity

The same can't be said of you

A Woman's Worth

We are born

And immediately taught that we exist for others

I felt anger

I felt injustice

And was told I was the problem

Over and over and over again

My brain

Constantly calculating

Constantly assessing all sides of a situation

Constantly questioning

"Am I the problem?"

I felt like the problem

I kept feeling like the problem

Why was I the only one

Who could ever see what was wrong

And say it out loud?

And why

Did that make me a problem?

My questions have been answered

My experience

As a woman

Comforts my inner child

Who felt neglected and abandoned

Validates my inner teenager

Who was angry and resentful

And heals my inner young adult

Who felt lost and lifeless

I carry the pain, the loneliness, the ache

The anger, the resentment, the loss

I carry it all

In my heart, in my skin, in my organs

In my nervous system

Every part of my psyche

Is connected to every part of the rest of my body

And as I heal

Each and every wound

That threatened to kill me

My body starts to believe something different

The loss becomes interlaced with being found

The complexity of emotions and experience

Start to swirl around each other

Everything hurts

And everything feels magnificent

All at the same time

I realize

There's power in my Autonomy

In my Self

There is power

In my kindness and in my anger

In my love and in my resentment

In my knowledge and in my intuition

There is power

In knowing my own Self

In choosing the Self I want to align with

In choosing the environments

I believe are worthy of me

And that I am worthy of

There is power in claiming what I never had

Never knew

Never experienced

There is power in who I am

In the way I make people uncomfortable

With my words and intelligence

With my anger

Yes, I do have a right to be angry

No, I don't care

If you wish to stereotype me

Because you are afraid of my intelligence

My discernment

The way I can judge your character

You should be afraid of me

Because I can cut you up into pieces if I want to

No, I'm not afraid 

Of being alone

Because I lived my entire life alone

Surrounded by people

I am more loved, more cared for, more seen and more appreciated

As my own person

Than I ever was

Trying to appease those I would never be able to 

Because I was never the type of woman

They wanted me to be

That would make them comfortable

I reject all tropes of "womanhood" placed upon me

Because I see the oppressive contradictions that exist to suffocate me

And I will not play that game

Women are rediscovering

Their Divinity

You should be scared

Because We Are Angry

The Male Contradiction

I am

An angry woman

And yet my home is peaceful

My interactions are kind

My relationships are loving

My mind is focused and clear

I am an angry woman

Only when pushed

Only when disrespected

Over and over and over again

I am angry

After a lifetime of being undermined and underestimated

How long does it take for a man to become angry?

The moment he doesn't get his way?

The moment he isn't regarded as the best or smartest in the room?

The moment

He doesn't get his expected spotlight and applause?

A man's anger

Despite it being the greatest source of destruction on our planet

Is somehow

Normalized

And rationalized

Oh the way men love to rationalize their violence

Men cling to patriarchy the way white people cling to white supremacy

Even the "good" ones can't give up their precious seat

At the head of the table

Equality feels like oppression

When you're accustomed to privilege

The irony of it all

Is that the most privileged perpetuate their own unhappiness

Dear men,

Dear white people,

Dear white men,

We all suffer under white supremacist patriarchy

You are no happier at the top

Than you are when you are called out for the harm you perpetuate

To step aside

To 

Make

Space

For literally anyone else

Dear men,

Dear white people,

Dear white men,

You would be so much happier

If you could be kind, and empathetic, and loving, and caring

You don't know

The fulfillment of reciprocity

Of intimacy

You don't know

That when you care for others

They'll care for you

Not because you force them to

Not because you manipulate or coerce

Or beat them into submission

But because they care about you

Because caring

Begets caring

You wouldn't believe

How simple it is

How possible it is

To live a life imbued with love

Instead of power

The world the rest of us envision

Includes a version of you

That is kinder and more loving and caring

A version of you

That seeks out joy

Instead of pain

You don't know

That when we fight for ourselves

We're fighting for you too

You're the only ones

Who think you are alone

Because you make yourselves alone

It's lonely at the top

We don't envy you

We are worried about you

Because your violence and manipulation and control

Are symptoms of a much deeper

Scarier problem

You have internalized our violent, twisted system

To worry for ourselves

Is to worry for you

You are sinking this ship

Willfully

You are forcing the rest of us

To exclude you

Because you are unwilling to listen or adapt

You are missing out

And you know it

So you want to make us suffer

We all see the terrors of this world

We've already been suffering

We have been glazed under the fire

We have courage

Because we know what life is like without it

We aren't better or stronger or more insightful than you

We have simply experienced more

And your inability to learn from us

Puts you at a disadvantage

What the colonizer doesn't write in history books

Is that there has never been a time of oppression

Without its continuous resistance

They love to depict their "conquered" as inherently weak and submissive

Inherently less than

But at no point in time

Has the oppressed ever accepted their oppression

The "progress" we have made

Is the progress of resistance against repeated oppression

It makes us smarter and cleverer and wiser

We learn from experience

You will never fully conquer this world

We will never go quietly and peacefully

And it begs the question

Why are you so dead set on domination?

Why is that so important to you?

Why do you need a constant struggle?

Why do you need to hoard your treasure

When there is plenty for everyone?

You could be so much happier

If you learned how to share

Dear Men, Do Better

My anger bubbles through me

I want to scream

I want to slap every man

That has ever tried to make me feel less than

Oh women do it too

And I've also wanted to slap them

But men

Men...

Men expect it

Men expect your lowliness and submission

Your self-denial

Your self-betrayal

Men don't like an "unruly woman"

How dare she

Challenge what he says

Be smarter than him

Funnier than him

Kinder and better liked

How dare she

Reap the benefits of her own kindness and care

And not allow herself to be a doormat for others

How 

Dare

She

Removing men from your life makes the contrast starker

The image clearer

It becomes obvious

Because of how free and kind and loving your life becomes

When men enter

It's like bringing a cold wind into a warm, sunny room

And dimming the light

Causing you to close doors and shutter windows

Because suddenly you feel unsafe

When you didn’t before 

Emotionally, mentally, psychologically, spiritually

Physically, sexually

Men's entitlement over others

Suffocates and burdens

While they make excuses for themselves and don't care to think of reciprocity

Don't care to think

Don't care to feel

Don't care to empathize

Because they couldn't possibly put themselves in other people's shoes

They could never imagine being someone else

Because they automatically see themselves as better and smarter

They don't think,

"Thank god I was born a man"

They assume...

Maybe that's their biggest flaw

That they assume

That they just see things clearer 

That they just are

Smarter, better, faster, stronger

Funnier

Just like a narcissist

Who can't possibly grasp

That their actions have consequences

That the way people protect themselves against them

Is directly related to how they are treated

Men can't see

The realities they create around them

Because they can't admit to their own subjectivity

Their own bias

Their own distortions

They must believe

That their experience is the "objective" experience

And everyone else is "hysterical" in comparison

Dear men,

You're lonely

Because you're assholes

Try being better humans

What Is Sacred

I'm not giving myself away anymore

From now on

People will have to earn me

My time

My attention

My energy

My wisdom

I won't be hollowed out

And left for scraps

I never understood this world

The way people take everything they can for themselves

And can't see

That when they harm others

They also harm themselves

I never saw much use in an ego

All I saw were walls

And denial

But everyone else's walls

Showed me how much I need my own

Because people will take

They'll take

Until you have nothing left

Until you make it stop

That's not how it's supposed to be

We're supposed to be able to love

Fully and freely

But in this world

Love has a cost

It's not safe

You'll be walked over and trampled on

This world doesn't know love

The things we call love

Are distortions

The closest we can get to it

Without ever really grasping it

So the best we can do

Is learn to love ourselves

The way we would love others

If they were safe for us 

But when I love myself

I suddenly find myself surrounded by the purest love there is:

Animals and children

And I realize what it means

To get what you give

When your love is pure

That love is returned to you

Animals and children exist through instinct and intuition

They feel you

When others can only attempt to conceptualize you

And will inevitably conceptualize you wrong

To exist

Is to be judged

And misunderstood

And to experience distorted love

That never feels quite right

Until you finally realize

There was never a moment in time

That you didn't deserve to be loved

And that's when you begin to recognize it

In small, sweet moments

In your cat coming to comfort you

In your child cuddling up next to you

In the small gifts the universe brings you

We deserve love

And we deserve companionship

But it won't always come in the form we expect

My broken heart

Needs kindness

And comfort

A kind of love that feels you

Without you having to speak

And in an instant you'll realize

That in a world devoid of love

You've managed to create it around you

How precious that is

How sacred

And you realize

How much it needs to be protected

I won't give myself away anymore

I won't share

What won't be appreciated or taken care of

My love is precious and sacred

I am precious and sacred

I won't give myself away anymore

Broken

As you heal

You pick up on all the ways

That others are unhealed

I wish I could say

It's made me more compassionate

I mean

It has

I am more compassionate

And yet

I care less

I feel for every soul

Who's ever felt pain

But I know

That's each and every one of us

And I can't hold everyone

People are looking for answers and solutions

And there are none

Aside from simply loving each other

Which proves to be too hard

When it comes down to it

People say they love

But I'm certain

That no one really knows what it means

Does it mean

To put others before yourself?

Or is that a recipe for destruction?

If it's not that

What is love?

I'm convinced

It's some form of collaboration

Most people struggle to participate in

I don't trust

The ones who bare their soul

Nor do I trust the ones who withhold it

I only trust

Those who can be accountable

Show me you know yourself

Without burdening me

Can you do that?

Can anyone do that?

I see people

Learning to allow themselves to be bruised and broken

And some people

Seem able to hold that

But I can't anymore

I did

Until I began to break

I couldn't hold them

And they couldn't hold me

But children

Children are different

Because they'll break

But they will also pick up their pieces

Watch a child

Navigate adult trauma

No child should ever have to

But sometimes I wish

We were all more like children

Exhausted

The words

Are beginning to bubble

And fester inside of me

Words pushed down and away

For so long

Because I've always been too tired

Too tired of my own brain

To sit with it

For too long

I'm reactionary

I'll have a lot to say

To someone else

But what about all those people

Who just like to talk

To hear the sound of their own voice

They don't seem to know that feeling

Of being sick of yourself

I've been spending too much time

Around young, overconfident women

And I'm exhausted

I can't compete with their energy

Their self-assuredness

I feel myself retreating back into myself

Going back home

Where I'm safe

In my trauma

Ask me a simple question

And I'll tell you

I was a miserable child

I don't have happy memories

My parents weren't there for me

They barely provided for me

I don't like to compare trauma

I don't like to dwell

I don't like to take up too much space at all

I know

That my trauma has made me deep

And perceptive

I know now

I have a lot to offer

But I won't compete for attention

I'm too tired

There is always more to say

And always more ears to hear it

I don't need to push myself to the front

To matter

Stronger

My heart bursts and breaks

For all the pain that exists

And I'm reminded

That to forge a new path

Is to be open

To new ways of being

And dedicated

To my own well-being

It isn't easy

Because it goes against

The momentum

That society has created

My desire

Is large enough

To keep me going

I can't live here

In the way that's expected

I can only be here

If I love myself

Wholly and completely 

Against the will

Of a society

Whose only desire

Is to exploit me

Healing

As I move through

Deep and heavy energy

I'm reminded

That the path I'm on

Is new

Is one that I'm creating as I go

Is one that honors me

Every step of the way

As I heal

I don't become like anyone else

I become more like myself

And who I am

Is deep

And sensitive

And emotional

Someone who feels more

Than she can speak

Letting Go

Feeling better

Feeling lighter

A reminder

To release energy that isn't mine

This world is heavy

To be here

Demands a certain amount

Of letting go

Relationships

I won't engage

In blame

And pointing fingers

Human beings make mistakes

Is there love?

Was it an accident?

Was it on purpose?

What was the intention behind it?

Was it selfish?

Was it misguided?

Was it unaware?

Relationships

Are rooted in our ability to relate

Are we relating?

Or are we keeping score?

Love Is Protection

The only way to prove

That something doesn't work

Is to let it crash and burn

The more abuse is revealed

The less we can point the finger at people

And the more we are forced to see

That the system breeds abuse

Our culture breeds abuse

The only thing wrong with people

Is their need to adapt to an inhumane system

That demands them to be less human

Be less human

Feel less

Care less

Love less

People are looking for love

In all the wrong places

Amongst each other's sad and broken pieces

You can manipulate others to do your bidding

But you cannot manipulate love

The only way

To have power over others

Is to prey on their insecurities

Once people know love

Manipulation becomes empty

Once people heal

They see 

That abuse comes from unhealed trauma

They see

That to love themselves

Is to protect themselves

And to stand up for others

Trusting Myself

I know now

That's where I find myself

I know

How traumatized people are

How toxic people are

I know

Not to get too close

Not to allow other people's trauma

To rub off on me

I can't save anyone

I can only be a friend

So I know

To keep my distance

To protect my energy

To love myself first

I know now

That everything I grew up with

Was backwards

And now I trust myself

What Now?

Now I know

Now I see

The child

Who was unhappy

Lethargic

Unmotivated

Cynical

Apathetic

Hateful

I see her now

And I hold her in love

Because it wasn't her fault

My reaction to this world

Is appropriate

My inability to function here

Is appropriate

My debilitation

Has been appropriate

I'm finding my way

To a reality that works for me

But I can only get there

Through loving myself

I am too sensitive for this world

But this world

Creates monsters

I would rather be depressed and debilitated

Than be a monster

My reaction to this world

Is valid and appropriate

And that's what I want everyone to know

Yes

People are truly awful

But this world made them that way

So what the fuck

Do we do now?

Loving Somewhere Better

A new world

A better world

Gives time and space

Holds our emotions with love

As we spiral 

Between what's been

And what should be

A better world

Doesn't tell us to get back on our feet

But loves us all the way there

As I sit

Between old worlds and new

I remind myself to love myself where I am

Because if I can't do that

I will never get to where I want to go

Breaking

Feeling the weight of the world

I ask myself

What to do

With all this heaviness

What to do

As I watch trauma and abuse unfold before me

What do I do

With all this knowledge

Of human behavior

Only to see clearly

People's limits and lack of awareness

What to do

With all this pain

Some of it is mine

And some of it is the rest of the world's

And all I feel is heavy

I study psychology

For this very reason

Because the weight of the world

Always seems to get the best of me

So I study

And I learn

And I try to do better

While the world crumbles around me

And I ask myself

Is any of this

Worth

Anything?

I'm not sure

Are we just a blip

In the infinite vastness of the universe?

Does any of this really matter?

Or are we just desperate

To save what's left of our "civilization"

And our species

The world is dying

And as it dies 

Extensive abuses are given light

There's a reason we're here

There's a reason it's crumbling

Do you think

That any of us

Are exempt

From the atrocities committed?

We think that abuse and destruction is our nature

But it isn't

Our nature

Is kind and loving

We have become monsters

As a way to cope

With an abusive world

Where do we draw the line?

At what point

Do we admit

How awful our society has been?

There cannot be a healthy mindset that comes out of this

We have to relearn what that means

And as we do so

The horrors become wider and bigger

I came here to see

I know that much

I see so much

I want to leave

I don't want to be here

I don't want to see anymore

I want to go to sleep